For many years I struggled to be definable by the limitations of a singular defining thing. Perhaps people thought of me to be dark, so when I wasn't, I felt as though I had betrayed my "self." Perhaps people thought of me to be quiet, so when I had something to say, I felt uncomfortable after having said it. Perhaps people thought of me to be powerful, so when I felt small, I shut myself off from the world. Perhaps people thought of me to be spiritual, so when my energy was fractured, they found themselves confused. It's as though we are always looking for a crack in the system of safety.
Realistically speaking, never once was I actually betraying my "self." We are ever changing beings in an ever changing universe, of this I am certain. My constant flux was never a dis-order, but rather a natural ebb and flow. The dis-ease lies in our desire for what seems static. Stepping out of the static, forces us to recognize the truth of life as we know it. Perhaps the comfort we seek exists in the acceptance of our many transformations that ultimately lead to yet another transformation, death.
Some days death scares the shit out of me. Much like I tried to adhere to definable standards (failing miserably mind you!), my mind has tried to define death in some small concise way. Often times keeping me laying awake for hours on end assuming my mind might be able to place it in a comfortable box if I just...give it another few minutes.
The more time I spend on this earth, the less I feel beholden to my mind for intelligent answers that require depth. Depth is a felt sense, an intuitive wisdom that can't be defined. It is expansive. Much like our true selves. Much like our metamorphic legacy.
These days I feel much less bound by one way of being. I've tried on many costumes, and I'll try on many more. They all have their purpose. I'm a jester, I'm a saint, I'm a prophet, I'm a sinner, I'm a plant, I'm a raven, I'm a baby bunny, I'm the wind, I'm a lover, I'm a fighter, I'm a bitch, I'm a sweetheart, I'm a loud mouth, I'm a scared cat, I'm a mother, I'm a flower, I'm a...
And really, I'm none of that all.
xx,
Nostalghia
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